Narcissistic personality disorder is a personality disorder and is relatively rare. What is much more common is what we can call Behavioural Narcissism (BN). I read an article recently that claimed BNs were up to forty per cent of the adult population. Even a quarter of that tells us we all know at least one, and what a shame it would be if we were actually in a relationship with one of them. Or, worse still, they are a relation!
Narcissism is often characterised by grandiosity, an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and a diminished capacity for empathy. While Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a clinical diagnosis, many individuals exhibit narcissistic behaviours that are far more common than the diagnosed disorder. But they are at least as destructive to those with whom they come into contact. So, let me explain a little further…
Behavioural Narcissism (BN) refers to a pattern of an individual who manipulates and exploits others to keep themselves falsely at the centre of their universe. It is not a fixed personality disorder, and so, with experience of working with their victims for so long, I can say they are versatile manipulators who crave, no… demand the centre of your attention.
Most of us balance our personalities through environmental and social adjustments and through internal thoughts and feelings about our place in the world. The BN is deprived of much or any internal structure, caused by their poor development, so they construct their personality entirely in the social world.
Imagine the personality of a BN as a tree with no roots; it is fragile in the wind and works hard to remain upright. It is, of course, delicate, so it must be constantly vigilant to protect itself. Does that sound like someone you know? A key feature of them is a lack of empathy and, often, a complete absence of self-reflection, which prevents them from developing the ability to understand others. The other side of that coin is a protective response to the fragile nature of their personality. A rage that emerges so quickly and often without warning,
Projection and Victim Mentality help them avoid responsibility and maintain their self-image; BN individuals project their faults onto others. They perceive themselves as perpetual victims, which amplifies their sense of righteousness and enables manipulative tactics. This victim mentality also simplifies their worldview as they always feel justified in their actions.
For their defence mechanism, they manipulate, as our BN lacks empathy, so they mimic what they think is empathy and love. Be sure to understand that if you see any of this behaviour, it is not real.
At the start, they idolise us; we call it love-bombing, and I did mention it in the article titled Recognising the Red Flags. This is supposed to push you up to a height so that when they begin to devalue, you have a long way to fall, thinking only they can rescue you.
They will show a remarkable lack of accountability but expect your constant validation. This is wrapped up in a coldness and lack of empathy that is hard for anyone to justify, except them and you. You justify it because you await the return of the love bomber and may even begin to enjoy the pain while you wait. Now you are truly trauma-bonded. However, like everything in life, it is not permanent and can be changed if desired. I should add here that it only ever returns as an attempt to add another hook into you.
What may be the Impact?
As noted, the impact may initially appear complete and permanent, but it is not.
You may suffer a decline in your self-esteem as you are frequently subjected to criticism and gaslighting, which gradually undermines your confidence. Over time, you will doubt your own feelings and self-worth. I have seen many people who feel helpless and trapped. That is only at the start of working with me.
Because your BN is a master of manipulation, you will begin to second-guess reality. Gaslighting makes you question your memory and perception of events you really knew happened, but are asked by your abuser. I have never met a victim who did not have anxiety that was high up on the scales of testing for distress.
If you, as a victim, are constantly held to account, trying to please or manage the BN’s moods, you will become fatigued. You may be persistently exhausted and overwhelmed, which can lead to a loss of identity.
They will shrink the circle around you because they are trying to prevent the influence you may feel from others, as this may undermine their control. More isolation further erodes what little other support you may have, making you even more dependent on them.
As I have said before, about half of my clients stay in a relationship with their BN, but together we learn some of the BN’s patterns of behaviour and rhythms of life, so we can pick battles we can win. This softens the effects of abuse and makes life tolerably acceptable. I never choose for my client but work with what they want to achieve.
Ray Freeman
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