In the first of these Christmas articles, I wrote about Behavioural Narcissism (BN). Being far more common than we can be comfortable with, up to forty per cent of the adult population have personality behaviours that could be classed as narcissistic.
Narcissism is a personality trait characterised by an excessive sense of self-importance, a strong need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. When narcissists enter social spaces, particularly meaningful family gatherings like weddings or Christmas, their behaviours can significantly affect the mood and outcomes and the rest of the attendees’ enjoyment of these events. Following on, we are going to do a little exploration of the reasons narcissists tend to spoil social events, focusing on the repercussions of their actions.
1. Attention-Seeking Behaviour
Narcissists (BN) have an insatiable need for attention and validation. Weddings, Christmas, or birthday parties are joyous and significant occasions, naturally attracting attention to the couple, the family, or the person celebrating their Birthday.
However, a narcissist may struggle to share the spotlight. They often engage in behaviours that pull attention away from the central reason for the party in the first place. For instance, they might over-dramatise their own stories, dress ostentatiously, or create situations that lead others to gravitate toward them rather than the celebrant. This desire to be the centre of attention can be particularly disruptive, as the event’s focus shifts away from its intended purpose. If you have not experienced this, firstly, you are lucky… secondly, be aware that this can be building up long before the day of the event. They could declare they will not attend and even give a reason, but hidden in the outburst is the desire to be the centre of attention. They want to attend, really…. But on their terms… to be the centre of attention.
2. Lack of Empathy
They find group enjoyment impossible to understand. They lack empathy, which is the capacity to understand and share the feelings of others, so friend or family gatherings are beyond comprehension, hence their tendency to appear reluctant or resistant to the majority.
Narcissists typically lack this part of their personality, which can lead to behaviour that is inconsiderate or hurtful. During a wedding, their inability to recognise or respect the emotions of others can manifest in various ways, from making insensitive remarks about the couple’s choices to ignoring the emotional tone of the event. For example, they may comment on someone’s appearance or life choices inappropriately, disregarding the celebratory atmosphere and causing discomfort among guests. This can get even more significant if the BN has an issue with alcohol, which, as is known, lowers social inhibitions.
3. Conflict Creation
Narcissists thrive on divide and rule, so they prosper on chaos, and will feel empowered by creating conflict. A wedding, where families come together, can be a ripe environment for stirring up drama. A BN might instigate arguments, bring up contentious issues, or make provocative statements that provoke disagreements among guests. This behaviour not only creates tension but can also overshadow the joyous celebration, leading to a divisive atmosphere that detracts from the couple’s big day.
4. Jealousy and Competition
Narcissists mostly see relationships and achievements in a competitive light. They may feel jealous of others’ happiness, especially when the focus is not on them. During a wedding, they might react negatively to the couple’s joy, viewing it as a threat to their own self-worth. Because their personality is so socially constructed, they see other people’s joy and enjoyment as an attack on their own.
This may prompt them to undermine celebrations through passive-aggressive remarks and dismissive comments about anything going on around them. This will be their continuous attempt to pull attention back onto them from the point of the celebration.
This is the most damaging weapon, which we can call the hand grenade effect. They do want to do damage to the surroundings, hence the grenade, but what they want even more is the reaction of others. The shock response to a verbal hand grenade is food and drink to the BN. They will attack the response viciously, so you, the victim, are damaged by the grenade and then, whilst vulnerable in your response, struck again.
5. Control Issues
The BN needs to control their environment and the people in it. At a wedding, they may attempt to dictate aspects of the event, from seating arrangements to music choices. Their resistance to compromise can lead to tension and conflict with event planners or family members, contributing to a stressful atmosphere. For instance, a narcissist might refuse to sit at a designated table or demand that the couple change the wedding playlist to one that features their favourite songs, disregarding the couple’s preferences.
6. Self-Centeredness
A hallmark of narcissism is an intense focus on one’s own needs and desires. This self-centred behaviour means that a narcissist may constantly draw conversations back to themselves, regardless of the context. This dynamic can be particularly alienating for guests who are there to celebrate, as they might likely feel trapped in the BN’s presence.
7. Disregard for Traditions
They want Christmas their way, compromise is out of the question, and not getting their own way will be an excuse for another hand grenade. Such behaviour will damage the proceedings and hurt individual family members. There is so much tradition around a family Christmas, so much rich pickings for the BN in the family.
Narcissists are skilled manipulators who will create divisions among group members. For instance, they may share inappropriate secrets or personal grievances under the guise of trying to be honest. This social manipulation can leave lasting damage on familial relationships.
8. Victim Mentality
If challenged, a BN, seeing the battle lost, will instantly adopt a victim mentality, believing they are constantly wronged or underappreciated. During a family Christmas gathering, if they feel overlooked or don’t receive the attention they think they deserve, they may loudly express their grievances to evoke sympathy and shift the focus back to themselves. For instance, they could make comments like “Nobody cares about my struggles,” which would compel attendees to redirect their attention to them. Alternatively, the power of alcohol may well loosen their tongue too much. This self-victimisation not only creates an unfortunate atmosphere but will also upset other guests.
9. Expectations of Special Treatment
It is part of the BN’s personality to believe they deserve special treatment due to their inflated self-image. At Christmas, they will expect others to cater to their whims, such as selecting their meal, arranging seating based on personal preferences. When these expectations are not met, they are likely to react negatively, potentially leading to confrontations or petulant behaviour that disrupts the festivities. This demand for preferential treatment can alienate family members and friends, who may find it challenging to navigate the BN’s demands while trying to celebrate. Chances are they will be more or even over-tolerant as it is Christmas.
Conclusion
Family gatherings, especially, are meant to be joyous celebrations of love and commitment, surrounded by family and friends. However, the presence of a narcissist can turn these special occasions into emotionally charged and chaotic environments. Their attention-seeking behaviour, lack of empathy, propensity for conflict, and self-centeredness can overshadow the day.
Addressing the potential disruption caused by narcissists in family gatherings can be challenging. Still, with a proactive approach, their effects can be mitigated.
Next up is how to….
Ray Freeman
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