So in this little series of three articles and podcasts dealing with a narcissist (BN) who seeks to be the centre of attention during Christmas. What usually happens when I work directly with a client is that we spend time learning about patterns of behaviour of their very own BN. By understanding the rhythms, we get to pick the times we go to battle and also when not to do so.
Any family get together or big party is low hanging fruit to be plucked by the family BN. Of course this is particularly challenging at times like Christmas Holidays etc. Here I give you six ideas to consider, will some or all of these help you get through Christmas without committing assault or worse?
- Have a positive focus about Christmas! Push your mind setting to positive and before the event stop concerning yourself with the one (or two) who are going to try and take the centre ground of attention and spoil the party.
- Define some clear boundaries. In your head, not out loud… they may appear to be ultimatums, and nobody will listen, least of all the BN. Ultimatums are always about yourself… for example, if this happens, I am going to respond this way. If someone crosses a boundary then be gentle and tell them what you need from them.
- If the BN grabs the spotlight with a story of grandiosity, let it run until the moment you can steer the audience away to something else. Time to eat etc…. or who would like another drink etc… If you have ever raised a puppy, you will know the art of distraction. There is never any point of trying to get a naughty teenager to drop something. But if you offer an alternative then they will drop the object in favour of what you offer. Here we can assume the audience is looking for a way out so offering a distraction will work.
- If you are listening to a story by the BN, it is good to acknowledge their accomplishments or successes, then go to point C above.
- I hope this goes without saying, limit what you share. A question from the BN can be a gentle hand grenade to entice you to disclose. This maintains engagement with them at the centre. I have often called a BN a one trick pony. They know how to entice and how to throw things like little disclosure bombs and when you are bonded, these become incendiary. In both cases this one trick is to create a response from which they can feed.
- If interactions become overwhelming, have a plan to step away briefly for a breath of fresh air or to regroup with other guests. Here you can foster connections with others who may also feel overshadowed. When refreshed, get back in there!
The BN will not change, if you look carefully, they are predictable and controllable in a crowd. What should change is your response and how you manage them. I have hopefully given you food for thought, good luck and a Very Merry Christmas to you!
Ray Freeman.
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