Part 1
Questions Only You Can Answer
Sometimes, the early stages of a new relationship are so overwhelming that we lose sight of ourselves. We get lost in the fog, and we not only can easily miss any red flags, but we also feel so good that we wave at them as they whizz past us. My rule of thumb for you is that if a relationship seems too good, then it may well be a love bombing to trap you and bond you to someone who is not what they first appear to be. This makes us ready to overcompromise with our partner and sets up an abusive cycle we become bonded to, but seem to be in a place where there are no exit doors.
In a relationship, we sometimes fall out with our partner, and we sometimes disagree with family and others close to them. We also sometimes say or do things we regret and create unhappiness to those close to us. But if this forms into any consistent or regular pattern, then it is an indication of domestic abuse and potentially violence.
Violence is often at the end of a cycle of coercion and manipulation, so hopefully it is not happening to you. If it is, be safe and remove yourself as soon as you can. None of us wants to end up a statistic.
This article assumes we are talking about an intimate relationship. But my work over the past years with victims and survivors of abuse has shown that it is also likely to be a family member, parent, sibling or child. But toxic people are everywhere, so they could even be at work as colleagues, managers or even bosses. Please read this article for you… wherever that toxic behavioural narcissist (BN) appears for you, even though I use the word partner most of the time.
Relationships are rarely perfect; they involve disagreements, compromises, and moments of tension. However, when those moments become a pattern of control, fear, or erosion of self-worth, the relationship may have crossed the line from difficult to abusive. If you have missed the red flags and are in this type of relationship, recognition is not always as straightforward as spotting a bruise or a black eye. Psychological, emotional, and financial abuse can be insidious, being fed in by a BN to a partnership so slowly that the victim… you…. do not realise the water is boiling until you are already scalded and hooked in so well, you will defend them and the relationship to others. The most powerful tool for identifying these patterns lies in your own intuition and honest self-reflection. But this is oh so difficult when you are taking the abuse, thinking the person you love who love bombed you at the start will return and all will be well. Of course, it only returns as a manipulation to keep you under control and it is so difficult to recognise…. Because you think it is love… it is but only from you…
I cannot diagnose but here are a few thoughts that may help you…
Before dissecting specific incidents, look at the overall weather of your partnership. Abusive relationships often feel like walking on eggshells. But healthy relationships are where you generally feel safe, supportive, and equal.
If you feel you must shrink yourself to fit into the relationship, you are being suppressed in some way. Do you edit your thinking before you speak so as not to upset them? Do you hide your hobbies, opinions, or even your laugh because you will be criticised? In a healthy dynamic, your partner loves you for who you are, quirks and all. In an abusive one, you may feel like you are constantly auditioning for the role of perfect partner. They are not looking for a partner, so you will never succeed. They are looking to you, the audience, to pay homage and serve. Just think about how a skilled comedian, for example, can hold a whole audience…
Fear is the most reliable alarm bell. This does not necessarily mean fear of physical violence. It is more likely fear of their reaction, a sudden mood swing, or making a mistake. Ask yourself: When your partner comes home, does your stomach drop? Do you scan their face immediately to gauge their mood to give you a guide to how to behave? Living in a state of hyper-vigilance is a hallmark of trauma bonding and abuse.
Abusive relationships are rarely bad; they are not 100% bad. If they were, leaving would be easy. Instead, they operate on a cycle: tension building, an incident of abuse, and then a honeymoon phase of intense affection and probably apologies. Do the highs feel incredibly high and the lows devastatingly low? This intermittent reinforcement is addictive and destabilising, making you stay in hopes that the good version of your partner returns permanently. Some psychologists would say you learn to accept them and then like the destructive cycles, as your subconscious mind knows the good follows the bad.
Conflict resolution requires both people to take ownership. In an abusive dynamic, the blame is singular. How you fight and how you make up reveals the power dynamics at play. Conflict is normal; cruelty is not. Does your partner refuse to apologise? Or worse, do they twist reality so that their bad behaviour is actually a reaction to something you did? Phrases like, I wouldn’t have yelled if you hadn’t been so annoying” shift responsibility from the abuser to the victim. If you find yourself apologising for things you did not do just to keep the peace, pay attention.
When you try to bring up how you feel, what happens? Gaslighting is a potent form of emotional abuse where a person denies reality to make you doubt your sanity. Do you hear phrases like, “You’re too sensitive,” “That never happened”? If you constantly feel like you need to record conversations to prove to yourself that you are not imagining things, you are experiencing gaslighting.
Are you never allowed to be late but they never tell the time? Can they spend money freely, but you have to account for every penny of your spending? Can they have friends of the opposite sex, but get jealous if you even speak to a friend? Rules that apply to you but not to them indicate a desire for control rather than a partnership of equals.
Playful banter is part of many relationships. However, abuse often disguises itself as a joke. Does your partner mock your intelligence, appearance, or competence, even in front of others? If you ask them to stop, do they accuse you of having no sense of humour? Humiliation is designed to lower your self-esteem so you feel lucky that they put up with you; it is part of the trauma bond.
Abusers often seek to make themselves the centre of your universe by slowly shrinking the circle of friends and family around you. This happens as a matter of course, so you may have given up a friend as your partner does not like them… sound familiar? This isolation makes it harder for you to gain perspective, be influenced by others or seek help.
Has it become easier to stay home than to deal with the fight that happens when you go out? If you look around and realise your partner is the only person you talk to, ask yourself how that happened.
Technology has given abusers new tools. Does your partner demand your passwords? Do they track your location via your phone? Do they constantly text you when you are out, demanding to know who you are with? A partner who trusts you does not need to survey you. Constant checking-in is not concern; it is control.
Physical and Sexual Boundaries
About half of my clients stay in their relationships but take some control back and make their lives better. I never try to choose whether they should stay or leave, except if physical/sexual abuse is a distinct possibility. It is often the last step in a long escalation of behaviours, and, of course, the most dangerous. Sexual coercion is also a prevalent, yet frequently overlooked, form of abuse.
What often happens is that even the definition of violence can be disputed by a trauma-bonded person. I can recall conversations that go something like…
Are they violent?
No, they have never hit me…
Have they threatened you?
They threatened to push me down the stairs… got into my face shouting, I could feel their spit on my face…
So you don’t think that is violence? Because they did not punch you? Have they ever punched the wall or a door?
Yes…
You realise your face could be next?
Abuse isn’t just hitting. It includes blocking doorways so you cannot leave a room, driving recklessly to terrify you, throwing objects near you, or punching walls. These are displays of physical power meant to intimidate. If they can punch a wall, the unspoken threat is that they can and will punch you.
At this point, I usually ask them not to become a statistic. Understand very clearly, the next cycle of abuse starts where the last one stopped.
For you, consent is mandatory in every interaction, even in a long-term relationship or marriage. Does your partner guilt, pressure, or coerce you into sex when you do not want to? Do they sulk or punish you for saying no? Do they ignore your boundaries regarding what you are comfortable doing? Your body belongs to you and any partner who feels entitled to your body regardless of your feelings is being abusive.
Threatening to harm pets or take children away is a terrifying tactic used to ensure compliance. Do they tell you that you are a bad parent? Do they threaten to call the authorities with false claims if you leave? Using your love for others as a weapon against you is a sign of deep manipulation.
It may seem hopeless, but it is not! You were tricked into falling for them.
The next article may be a difficult read if you are in this right now… but please stay with it.
Ray Freeman
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