What is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is a psychological attachment that forms between a victim and an abuser through cycles of abuse followed by intermittent affection or reconciliation. This pattern of emotional manipulation creates a powerful dependency that makes leaving the relationship extremely difficult.

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So you want to defeat trauma bonding?

We all know trauma bonding is a powerful form of emotional control that keeps you emotionally connected to your abuser, accepting the abuse and ongoing maltreatment. So much has been said about trauma bonding, and the word trauma is such a buzzword these days that it can be hard to make sense of all the complex explanations of what it is and how it operates.

I was asked recently for a definition of trauma bonding and came up with this: it is like being held by the shoulder and getting six slaps in your face, then two kisses. You take the slaps while waiting for the kisses, and this cycle repeats itself. The slaps become harder and slower, while the kisses become quicker and lighter.

This is my explanation of a trauma bond. Does that help?

A trauma bond is easily mistaken for love. It creates an intense, confusing emotional attachment that makes leaving or seeking help remarkably difficult. Once this dynamic becomes normalised, you are unlikely to seek help, because for you, this is simply how life is.

The process means you are likely to have developed a strong emotional tie to your abuser through this cycle of harm and intermittent affection — dare I say, six slaps and two kisses. The bond is strengthened by manipulation tactics that are intermittently positive, encouraging you to endure the rest of the abuse.

Please understand that this intermittent reinforcement programme will get you hooked. This is trauma bonding.

The programme is love bombing followed by devaluation. Even medieval torturers knew to give their victims a break, offering water and rest so that the torture would be more effective. In the same way, if a new relationship looks perfect or too good to be true, it may not be the truth. You should withdraw before they get their proverbial foot in the door.

Please do not end up waiting in vain for the two kisses.

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The Cycle of Trauma Bonding in Relationships

So, the routine may well look like this:

You meet a new partner — they are all charm and kindness.

You are showered with gifts and apparent undying devotion. You are “the one.” This may seem a little, or even a lot, over the top. The relationship may move too quickly. These are major red flags.

You fall into the perfect trap. And why wouldn’t you? They appear to be the perfect partners.

Then the control phase begins. Signs of manipulation and emotional abuse slowly appear.

The cycle of abuse develops. Periods of harm are followed by reconciliation, love bombing, or apologies, which temporarily restore the bond.

Over time, a growing emotional dependence develops. Victims keep hoping for the “good” partner they first met — the two kisses — making it increasingly difficult to leave.

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Recognising the Signs of Trauma Bonding

If you remain in the relationship despite ongoing harm, you may feel powerless but still hopeful that things will improve. You cling to fleeting moments of happiness that have long since passed.

Gradually, your self-esteem becomes eroded, and you begin to doubt your own perceptions. Despite this, you still feel a deep emotional attachment that conflicts with feelings of fear or confusion.

This is the psychological trap of trauma bonding in abusive relationships.

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Can You Break a Trauma Bond?

Of course you can.

First, acknowledge the reality that the emotional attachment is unhealthy. Accept that the cycle of abuse and reconciliation is not love and that feelings of hope or attachment are being manipulated.

Then try to build a support network, if you can trust anyone. If not, you may need to consider going it alone or seeking professional help, such as therapy.

Educating yourself about trauma bonding and manipulation tactics can also help you regain clarity.

This difficult situation often reveals a remarkable resilience. I have known many people who hated the abuse and yet tolerated it because they unconsciously began to endure it, waiting for the two kisses that might follow.

Once you begin to understand the pattern, watch for the triggers. There will be plenty once you begin looking for them. This awareness can help you protect yourself from further emotional harm.

There is always a possibility of physical danger, but sometimes the threat is distant enough for you to become wiser first. If the danger is close, you should seriously reconsider your intention to stay. Do not become another statistic.

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Planning an Escape From an Abusive Relationship

Create an escape route. Yes, you do need one.

This may include having a designated place to go and keeping practical items ready — trainers, some cash or a bank card — near a door so you can leave quickly if necessary.

This becomes more complicated if children are involved, but preparation can still help you stay safer.

If you do decide to leave, do not announce your plans. Once you leave, it is essential to cut off contact with the abuser, or they may attempt to hoover you back into the relationship using further love bombing and manipulation.

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Healing From Trauma Bonding

Professional help can be extremely beneficial when recovering from trauma bonding. Therapy can help you understand the cycle of abuse, rebuild your self-esteem, and develop healthier relationship patterns.

Healing from trauma bonding takes time, so be patient with yourself and acknowledge your strength in seeking change.

There is an old saying: you do not know how strong you are until strength is all you have left.

It is entirely possible to overcome trauma bonds. With understanding, planning, and time, you can break the cycle.

Ray Freeman

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