So you want to defeat Trauma Bonding?
We all know trauma bonding is a powerful emotional control that will keep you emotionally connected to your abuser, accepting the abuse and ongoing maltreatment. So much has been said about trauma bonding, and the word trauma is such a buzzword these days that it is hard to make sense of all the complex explanations of what it is and how it operates.
What is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is a psychological attachment that develops between a victim and an abuser through repeated cycles of abuse followed by intermittent affection, reconciliation, or love bombing. This pattern of emotional manipulation creates a powerful dependency that makes leaving the relationship extremely difficult.
Trauma bonds often develop in narcissistic relationships and emotionally abusive partnerships, where victims become conditioned to tolerate harm in the hope of receiving brief moments of kindness.
I was asked recently for a definition of trauma bonding, and came up with that it is like being held by the shoulder and getting six slaps in your face, then two kisses. You take the slaps, waiting for the kisses, and this is on repeat. The slaps become harder and slower, while the kisses become quicker and lighter. This is my explanation of a trauma bond. Does that help?
A trauma bond is easily mistaken for love. It creates an intense, confusing attachment that makes leaving or seeking help remarkably difficult. Once normalised, you are unlikely to seek help, for you, this is how life is.
How Trauma Bonding Develops
The process means you are likely to have developed a strong emotional tie to your abuser through this cycle of harm and intermittent affection, dare I say six slaps and two kisses. The bond is strengthened by manipulation tactics, which are intermittently good to encourage you to endure the rest of it.
Please understand this intermittent reinforcement programme will get you hooked. This is trauma bonding.
The programme is bombing and devaluation. Even medieval torturers knew to give the victim a break and gave them water and a rest so they would be more effective.
I say if a new relationship looks so good and even perfect then it is probably not the truth and you should withdraw before they get their proverbial foot in the door. Please do not end up waiting in vain for the two kisses.
The Cycle of Trauma Bonding in Relationships
So, the routine may well look like this…
You meet a new partner… they are all charm and kindness.
You are showered with gifts and apparent undying devotion; you are the one! This may seem a little or even a lot over the top, moving too quickly, big red flag.
You fall into the perfect trap. Well, why would you not? They are the perfect partner.
The control phase begins: signs of manipulation and emotional abuse begin.
Cycle of abuse: The period of harm is followed by reconciliation, love bombing, or apologies, which reaffirm the bond.
Growing dependence: Victims keep hoping for the “good” partner they initially met (two kisses?), making it harder to leave.
Recognising the Signs of Trauma Bonding
If you stay in the relationship despite ongoing harm, you will feel powerless and hopeful even as you hope things will improve. You are clinging to those fleeting moments of happiness that have long since passed.
Your self-esteem is eroded, and you begin to doubt your perceptions. Yet you still feel a deep emotional attachment that conflicts with feelings of fear or confusion.
This is the psychological trap of trauma bonding in abusive relationships.
Can You Break a Trauma Bond?
Of course you can.
First, acknowledge the reality that the emotional attachment is unhealthy. Accept that the cycle of abuse and reconciliation is not love and that feelings of hope or attachment are manipulated.
Then try to build a support network if you can trust anyone; if not, then consider going it alone or seeking professional help, such as mine.
Then read up on trauma bonding and manipulation tactics.
This horrible pit you can find yourself in brings out a certain type of resilience. I have known many who hated and tolerated the abuse but unconsciously began to tolerate and even enjoy… knowing the two kisses were on their way.
Once you start to understand, watch and learn the triggers. There will be plenty when you look for them. This will enable you to protect yourself from emotional harm.
There is always a physical threat, but it may be far enough away for you to get wiser first. If it is close, you should review your intention to stay. Do not become a statistic.
Planning an Escape From an Abusive Relationship
Create an escape route; yes, you do need one. This includes having a designated place to run to.
Trainers and some cash or card, etc, near a door, and you are more ready to run. This is more difficult when children are involved, but do your best.
If you are leaving, do not tell anyone… and once you do, you must cut off contact with your former abuser, or they will try to hoover you back in with some love bombing tactics.
Healing From Trauma Bonding
Professional help is often beneficial for processing trauma bonds. Therapy can help you understand the cycle of abuse, rebuild self-esteem, and develop healthy relationship patterns.
Healing from trauma bonding takes time, so be patient with yourself and acknowledge your strength in seeking change.
There is an old saying that states you do not know how strong you are until strength is all you have left.
It is very possible to overcome trauma bonds. Plan and take the time you need, and you can do it.
Ray Freeman
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