Are you starting to doubt yourself?
Then you may be subjected to what we call gaslighting, an insidious abuse you may encounter.
We use this term because it originates from the 1938 London play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton, and there was a subsequent film. It is where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her perceptions to control her; essentially, he was trying to drive her mad.
Today, we use the word gaslighting to describe a dramatic manipulation used by abusers to confuse and dominate the victim. Understanding how gaslighting works and recognising its signs are valuable steps toward protecting yourself or others from damage.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where an abuser causes someone to question their memory, perception, or sanity. It is commonly used in emotionally abusive or narcissistic relationships to create confusion, undermine confidence, and gain control over the victim.
As described above, gaslighting is a deliberate manipulation to confuse and belittle you so that you question your memory and perception. If left unchecked and unopposed, it may lead you to question your sanity.
An abuser will deny that something happened or claim it happened when it did not. They will trivialise your feelings and protestations, twisting reality so that you doubt yourself.
It does not take long for this covert form of emotional abuse to lead to you feeling confused, anxious, and unsure of your own judgment and even your reality.
Gaslighting is there to gain control and dominance, to deflect responsibility for abusive behaviour, and to emotionally destabilise you. It has the added bonus for the abuser of helping isolate you from your supposed support networks.
It works.
And here are some of the tactics.
Common Gaslighting Tactics Used by Abusers
The abuser will counter your memory of an event. This challenges your recollection, insisting you must be mistaken or forgetful. It may take the form of denying that something happened last week.
Another tactic is to dismiss or belittle your emotions, calling them an overreaction or saying you are too sensitive.
One of the more blatant tactics of gaslighting is denial. Your abuser will flatly deny that something happened or was said, even if you remember it very clearly. This sounds unbelievable, but it works because it still creates doubt.
Using Confusion as a Weapon
By far the overriding tactic of gaslighting is confusion. The abuser will reverse facts and deny reality, leaving you unsure about what is really true.
This can continue even after a separation, as confusion is relatively easy to create remotely. They do not even need to be there.
What Damage Can Gaslighting Cause?
Once an abuser can see gaslighting working, they can become like a dog with a bone.
Over time it can erode your self-esteem and your trust in your own perceptions and emotional stability. If left unchecked, it may lead to deep self-doubt, anxiety, and even a depressive episode.
But almost certainly it leads to feelings of helplessness and confusion.
Eventually, the victim begins to believe they need the abuser’s approval before believing something themselves. You lose your autonomy and feel incapable of making decisions on your own.
Just as important is the feeling of isolation as you withdraw from friends and support systems due to shame, disorientation, or simply to please your abuser.
Can You Spot the Signs of Gaslighting?
Here are a few things to help you recognise it:
- Feeling like you are walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting them
- They dismiss or invalidate your feelings and emotions
- They frequently question your memory or perception of events
- Constantly apologising or taking blame for things that are not your fault
- Feeling confused, anxious, or even “crazy” around your partner or abuser
How to Protect Yourself From Gaslighting
So, you want to beat this rubbish?
Trust your perceptions.
Write things down or record them. Do I need to add that you should keep it secret?
Set boundaries.
Difficult? Of course. But I will tell you the easiest boundary to create — simply say the word “no.” The first time will be difficult, but it gets easier.
Seek support carefully.
Only seek support if you are sure trusted friends are not enablers or “flying monkeys.” Health professionals will generally be safe.
Learn about gaslighting and emotional abuse.
Awareness can empower you to recognise manipulative tactics early.
Develop self-compassion.
Work on rebuilding your self-esteem through therapy or self-help strategies. Remember, your perceptions and feelings are valid.
Should You Leave a Gaslighting Relationship?
You could consider leaving. However, as I often say to my clients, only about half leave. The rest stay and learn to regain some control.
But this is not written in stone, so you may change your mind if circumstances change.
If you feel threatened, do not become a statistic.
Getting Support for Gaslighting and Emotional Abuse
Professional help is often beneficial when dealing with gaslighting and psychological abuse.
If money is tight, try my subscription from my website:
www.rayfreemanpsychotherapy.com
It will provide insight and guidance.
I hope that helps.
Ray Freeman
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