In part one of this article, I outlined the term – Love Bombing – In this second part, I look more at cause and effect more closely. Let me highlight the phases of manipulation and control. Of course, every Behavioural Narcissist (BN) is a unique individual, but there are some traits and personality distinctions that, once you learn them, the hold they have over you will be diminished.
Love bombing rarely stays sweet forever, so rare it would make a healthy relationship, and I would be unlikely to ever hear about it. Relationships with a BN tend to follow a predictable cycle, not always the case but there is a predictability about most of them.
Phase one is the Idealisation Phase. You will become – the one – very quickly and their past relationships are likely to contain – the Crazy Ex.
At the beginning, you’re put on a pedestal. Phrases like, “I’ve never met anyone like you.” Or, “I feel like I’ve known you forever.” This one is a complete give away…. “I can’t believe how lucky I am.”
They want constant contact with good morning texts, midday or even hourly check-ins; they need to know your whereabouts at all times. Late-night calls and social media comments that you may find embarrassing, even though they are flattering in the extreme. Later in the relationship, you will realise this is their need, not a want at all.
They will push for exclusivity or intense commitment very early on, too quickly for you to be safe. They may want to see you every day and quickly introduce you as my future wife/husband/partner.
This feels intoxicating. Are you staggering into this rabbit hole like a drunk? We all need affection, but if you have been starved of this or validation, it can feel like coming home. Most likely, if this is happening, then you are drunk on the apparent perfection in front of you. It is an illusion, and there is a problem: they are manipulating you to become their next adoring audience of one.
We can call the. Next phase, the Dependency Phase, where you start to rely on this falsely created high, who amongst us would not love it?
Once the love bombing has gone on for a bit, your brain and body adapt to the rush. You will start to look forward to their constant attention. Regardless of past mistakes or issues, you will quickly feel deeply connected. You will open up quickly, sharing vulnerabilities, trauma, fears, and dreams. What you get from them in return is a mirror of your story with an unhealthy dose of victimhood thrown in to draw you in deeper. Ib often say a BN is a one trick pony but really they are two tricks. The second is their ability to be a victim at the drop of a harsh word back to them.
This is where emotional dependency starts. You may start to: prioritise their wants/needs over your own. You will cancel plans with friends or family to be with them. You may also justify the relationship speed as fate or once-in-a-lifetime love…. The one. The more you invest emotionally, the harder it becomes to step back and question what has/is happening.
Phase three will be the devaluation phase. They no longer care if their mask slips and you see some of the real person. Once they sense you are hooked, the dynamic will shift. The very person who you thought adored you now starts to criticise you. They will likely withdraw affection to punish you for some minor wrongdoing they perceive. I knew one client whose husband used to refuse to take the trash out in the evening, as he knew she wanted it done. Then turn his back on her at night as a punishment for asking. This sort of behaviour creates confusion and self-doubt.
Things now become a little hotter for you. I want to say the constant texting, etc., slows down, and it often does, but I have known it to heat up quite considerably. One client used to get a one-word demand for a picture of where she was and what she was doing. The word…. Show!
Where before you could do no wrong, now you will be criticised. The flaws in your everyday choices will be picked at… I like the term grizzled at… There will be confusion in that sometimes you are the one and other times you are too needy, too sensitive, etc. These small grenades are designed to keep you off balance and vulnerable. I have learned over the years in practice that consistent vulnerability is progressive, and as time goes by, you become more vulnerable.
These emotional ups and downs keep you chasing the original high. You start thinking about what you did wrong and trying to work out how to get back to the start of the relationship, where it was all perfect.
I would also suggest that you unconsciously start to accept the bad things happening, as your mind knows that the respite and good part will return for a short while after the bad phase of abuse.
Do not underestimate the power over you at this stage, you are likely stand for most things. Over the years, I have known cases of rape where victims make themselves vulnerable again to repeat so the assault is repeated numerous times.
Even torturers in medieval times knew that constant torture would likely end with the victim dying too quickly. So, they gave respite and allowed the victims’ senses to calm down before they began the torture again.
Our modern-day BN is similar in this simple thought process. They will occasionally bring back the love bombing for a short time to make sure you are hooked in place, and your senses are calmed a little. Then the torture can recommence… this is gaslighting at its finest.
That love bombing phase, full of warmth and intensity, becomes the hook. It is what you are trying to return to, even as the treatment worsens.
\This phase is where your BN is in full control, and you are likely walking on eggshells around them. Over time, love bombing can evolve into more overt control. They may monitor who you talk to or where you go. They might isolate you from support systems, subtly or overtly. They may use guilt, silent treatment, anger, or emotional withdrawal to get their way. Overall, they will shrink the circle around you so you have nobody to turn to and who from their view cannot influence you against them.
You will learn to defend them to others… saying they are stressed or just having a bad day. Even admitting their bad behaviour is your fault for provoking them in some way.
This is where love bombing reveals itself as the foundation of an abusive pattern. The early intensity was not genuine love; it was the setup even if you make the whole thing a loving relationship. Well, it is for you but you are in love with a fantasy.
In part three we will look at why love bombing works so well and suggest a few ways to take your life back from them.
Ray Freeman
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